God is cleaning me up. He is using John Eldredge's book, Walking with God. In connection with a chapter called "Beware of Agreements," I asked, "Lord, what agreement have I made? What is pinning my heart down? Reveal any wrong agreements I've made?" I wrote the questions in my journal, not expecting to find agreements, except possibly positive ones. After all, I am a very positive person.
I went on to the next chapter, "Being Willing to Have a Look." I asked, "Lord what have I been avoiding? What don't I want to face or deal with?" An immediate truth filled my mind. I have been avoiding meaningful relationship with my siblings. I only relate to one of my four brothers. Why? It stems from an agreement. Many years ago when I was first married, someone mentioned that my relationship with my brothers could only be superficial because they didn't go to church. At the time I agreed.
For 30 years I have lived with that premise. I don't remember my brothers' birthdays. We don't celebrate Christmas together. We rarely talk on the phone. Finally last year when our parents died we were forced to spend time together. During that short, sad period of family history each brother showed himself loving and lovable.
With the help of the Lord, I am attempting to reconnect. Thank you Lord for highlighting my unholy agreement and forgive me. I can't reconstruct the lost years, but I can set a new pattern. Help me Lord.